Where were you, Lord?

I love rainbows. I mean, I. REALLY. LIKE. RAINBOWS.  Nature's TRUE beauty. I love when I get the chance to witness one at the edge of a storm or after the storm's worst has blown over, but the clouds are still a little gray, and you see signs that the sun is trying to shine through.

The other day, I was driving and I SWEAR I was driving at the end of the rainbow. It was something unlike I have ever experienced. It was hard to see the road before me because I kept getting the rainbow shining in my eyes just feet in front of me. Sure! You could say it was the spray from the tires kicking up rain water from the highway, but I have never experienced this in the my 18 years of driving!  And as I made my way out of the rainbow blinding my view, I looked out my right window  and saw dark thunder clouds fading into a light gray sky. It was grey yet sunny all at once and there she was. The mystical Rainbow. Right at the edge where the dark sky faded into light.

You know. The rainbow just like the one mentioned in Genesis 9:13:

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.

So maybe I wasn't worried about a literal flood, but man, in the figurative sense, my soul experienced a flood.  A flood of emotions and sorrow none like I have experienced before.  And I have seen more rainbows this year since my brother passed than I have my whole life.

Many of you know that my Catholic faith, and embracing it in college at the ripe age of 22 has been THE life altering event that has changed my entire soul. My faith changed how I viewed myself, it changed my life aspirations, it helped me see success as more than status and financial wealth. And frankly, the Lord saved my life, in every way possible. 

On my way back to see Eric at the hospital, my husband accidentally changed the radio station and it landed on Catholic Radio. I haven't listened to it in soooo long, and I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize it was airing on our radio, but when something they were speaking about caught my attention, I asked him to turn up the radio. I was hoping for a message. And I know I mentioned before (in a previous post) that I heard the host discussing praying with EXPECTATION for miracles. Believing and EXPECTING that miracle. 

And somewhere along the car ride, maybe the host said it, maybe it was the Holy Spirit inspiring some thought, I know that car ride, I walked away EXPECTING a miracle but also hearing (either literally or as a thought):

 "Will you still pursue Me if I don't grant you this miracle? Will you still love me? Will I still be the One to guide you? Will you abandon me in your hurt?"

I knew right then that even if Eric didn't make it, that the Lord did not reveal Himself to me and change my life so that I would abandon His Truth in the deepest hurts of my life.  Somehow I had to find the strength of mind to "Lean on Him" because I wasn't going to get consolation anywhere else. 

And maybe because I chose to sing "Thy Will be Done" through my soul, even though my mind battled to align itself, I began to see that God's will was being fulfilled even through the pain. 

But throughout the week that Eric passed and weeks following, God inspired my heart and mind with heavenly consolations that reminded me of His goodness. Please allow me to share a few: 

The week prior to Eric passing away, he and Megan (with their newborn) joined me on an errand. And that day it was raining, so we all rushed to get into our cars. Eric had to work so he drove separately from Megan. Eric, being crazy, was out there in his work shirt with NO jacket on. But as Megan was rushing to get into her own car, Eric cried out "I love you Megan." She must have not heard him because he repeated himself, a little more loudly this time, "Megan, I Love You!". 

I remember thinking that day, at that moment: Eric really loves Megan. I have NEVER in all my years of seeing him married, dating, etc, heard him say aloud "I love you". And I felt so happy for him as I drove away thinking about how happy he was.  So thank you Lord, for letting me witness this.

Another consolation has to do with Eric's arrival to the hospital. April 7th.  He arrived to the hospital exactly ONE year after his mother in law was last admitted to the hospital before she passed away. I knew that there couldn't be a coincidence. I was hoping for a miracle for him to wake up and tell me all about heaven, but I also knew that if he were to go to his Eternal Home, that she would be there to greet him and welcome him. I don't see God as a cruel father, so this 'coincidence" was masterfully designed. 

When Eric was pronounced dead a few days later, they did not know when his organ donation would take place. In fact, they said, the OR was so booked, it could be anywhere between 2-3 days. When they finally notified us the day of that they were anticipating his operation time to begin at 5 pm and to arrive early to say goodbye for the last time before he would be rolled away, I had no idea that Fort Worth would be lighting the downtown skyscrapers in Blue and Green in honor of Organ Donation. They were scheduled to light up at 5 PM, coinciding with Eric's donation. Again, to some, it's just coincidence, but to me, it was a good and loving Father giving me another heavenly consolation to rest in that THIS was HIS will. That Eric's life had a purpose and He was present, with us, with Eric in the operation room, in the last moments of his life. 

The day of Eric's funeral, I was so moved by the outpouring of our friends and family and the community around us. Eric's funeral Mass was beautiful. We proceeded into the church as Eric's closest friends pushed the casket draped in a beautiful white Knights of Columbus "flag/cover". The experience of walking under a tunnel of swords held up high by the Knights of Columbus who dressed in their regalia, with feathered hats and soldier like black, red and white suits, was an experience that left me in awe! I thought to myself in those moments as we proceeded to the front altar, this is only a glimpse of the beauty that Eric would be experiencing as he headed towards his final destination: The throne of God. And then I thought to myself, this is SO EXTRA, but Eric would be so darn PROUD! He would be boasting about this to others if he could ( and he probably will when I see him again). 

I searched for God's words and wisdom in music, in movies, in life's little moments. I couldn't figure out why Eric had died, only to be brought back to life after 24 minutes of no oxygen, only to die, yet again. And One day it kinda clicked as I asked my husband to watch 90 Minutes in Heaven (a true story). The Lord spoke to my heart through this movie. His words to me were:

 "Nothing is impossible for Me. If it were My will to restore your brother to full health, I COULD. I could have reversed the effects of the hypoxia, REVERSED the "IRREVERSIBLE" brain damage of having no oxygen for at least 24 minutes. Despite what errors the doctors, paramedics, first responders could have done, I am GREATER and could have healed his body completely.  I have done it before and will do it again, but I have other plans for Eric."  

And that Truth sunk in deep. And that truth brought me peace. Believe it or not. It was the one thing I PERSONALLY needed to know in my soul to accept and move to the next stage of grief.

Weeks after Eric's funeral, we celebrated my niece's first communion. As I sat in the far back of the grand and beautiful church of St. Francis of Assissi (the Saint and prayer on Eric's memorial cards), the priest was asking the many 2nd graders about the mass and communion. For those who aren't Catholic, we believe in transubstantiation: the bread and wine TRULY become the FLESH AND BLOOD of Jesus Christ. We call it "The source and summit of our faith". It may seem mind blowing, because it is! And what about Jesus' miracles isn't, right? 

The ONE thing that really stood out was something the priest asked the children:  What do you hear when you walk up to the altar to receive communion? .......and nobody answered so he gave them the answer: "singing, much like the angels and saints are doing so at this time. 

In the Catholic world, Mass is where Heaven and Earth meet. I encourage you to read about the mystery of the faith! But the beauty of what he said "What do you hear when you walk up to the altar to receive Communion? ...Singing!" ....."What do you Hear when you walk up to the altar to receive JESUS, FLESH AND BLOOD!.....? .....Singing of the saints and angels".  Eric no longer had to receive Jesus in the veil of the Eucharist. He was LITERALLY walking through saints and angels to see JESUS, FACE to FACE! Oh what beauty!! Oh what sweet and divine consolation. I could just envision him proceeding towards the greatest love of his life, his purpose, his EVERYTHING!!


At this moment, I still struggled to accept and understand what happened to Eric and if everything had been done to save his life. Knowing that it took 9 minutes for the paramedics to arrive after he was found without breath and without a heartbeat that likely had stopped beating a couple minutes before, it made me question "WHERE WERE YOU, LORD?". When he was without oxygen for a counted 24 minutes: WHERE WERE YOU LORD?" Did the hospital rush to pronounce him dead, where was my miracle? WHERE WERE YOU LORD?!!

And His response to me was: 

It was I who led him to pull over his car, at that very storage unit. It was I who led a retired police officer/military veteran who had performed CPR on over 20 people in his career  to drive by him and see him minutes before. It was I who gave Eric strength to honk on his horn repeatedly to call someone. It was I who spared you from the guilt and the trauma to see your brother collapse before your very eyes. I who freed you from the guilt that you could have done something, when in reality, it was his time and his purpose was greater than he could accomplish alive and well. It was I who allowed him to receive his Last Rites and be surrounded by his family, friends and a PRIEST in his last minutes on Earth.  It was I  who gave you blessed thoughts of his home arrival! It was I who sent you little rainbows to promise you that the storm will pass and that I have been PRESENT all. along. the. way! 


So thank you Lord for ALWAYS being there. Thank you Lord for your little rainbows you have blessed me with through the storm of my grief. Thank you for answering my prayers and filling my heart with you comforting grace. You see each tear that falls and you know my the pain of my heart. You also bless me joy amidst the sorrow, because ultimately, my heart's desire has always been to LIVE for you and to be a VESSEL of your love and grace, despite my human failings.   

So I end this entry with the chorus to the Raider Awakening song from Eric's retreat when I did P Staff.  I hadn't heard it in years and in the month that Eric passed away, I desperately longed to remember what it was and one day while I poured out tears and my lip quivered uncontrollably from how badly I hurt, I got this little rainbow when my radio went crazy and played this song the minute I turned it on: 


I am nothing without Your love
I'm unworthy but Your death has been enough
I'm completed by Your touch,
But I feel like I've been given so much so I thank You,
I thank You