Hello grief. The death of a loved one is not a pain I knew intimately before. I have experienced the loss of multiple pregnancies, which was no easy feat. I experienced the loss of a dog I had about 10 years, which was sad when her day came. I had acquaintances pass away, which moved me to tears but it never was a life altering loss. But the loss of my younger brother was by far the most devastating to me.
Weeks before he passed away, I remember that for the first time in my life, the idea crossed my mind..."What if you lose a sibling?" And immediately, I pondered on the thought.
I have never lost a close loved one. How would I act? How would it feel? How would that type of grief really look like? Would I be crushed? Would I be able to lean on God? Would I be angry? I have never lost someone close.
Anxiety is just this: "What If's". We all have anxiety to an extent. And I manage mine pretty well by going through "worst case scenarios" and planning for the worst. But death of a loved one, you just can't plan for. As I asked myself all these questions, I started to sense fear. And I told myself, "It's okay, this must be post-partum anxiety trying to mess with your thoughts. At the time, I had a 3 month old and I figured it's just post-partum anxiety.
Once I labeled it as unfounded anxious thoughts, I began the process of grounding myself and thought catching. Because if I didn't keep those thoughts in check, it would go down a dark path that would lead to a million other "what if's". So I started to call it "This is just anxiety. Everyone is fine. I am blessed to have never lost a sibling. All my siblings are fine. My parents are alive and are likely to precede us in death (because logic right?). People don't often lose their siblings at a young age. Look at those around you, look at your extended family. They live long lives so surely we have a greater chance of getting to see our family grow old.
Never in a million years did I expect that to become a reality and so soon with my younger brother.
All those "what if's" were now a part of my life story and I had no idea how to handle it.
I am so very blessed that within my circle of friends, I do have licensed counselors and some really amazing listeners that keep checking in on me and letting me process and assimilate this tragedy into my narrative. Thank you friends for letting me call and just break down into uncontrollable sobbing.
My husband has by far been the strongest person in my corner.
While having to spend an entire week at the hospital and planning a funeral, my husband was the one by my side. He was with me at the hospital, he picked up tasks at home and managed caring for our children when I was no longer capable of seeing past the fog of grief and confusion and shock. And almost 4 months later, he still catches me staring off into space on a daily basis as I try to avoid another deep crying session while I think about my brother; the childhood memories, the circumstances around his death, the trauma. All the strength he possessed while he tried to process his own grief of losing my brother, his friend, too.
He deals with my anger when the emotions are overwhelming me. Anger when reality sinks in that I won't ever make new memories with him with no explanation as to why. Anger that this is even something I have to deal with and somehow I have to make it through another day with this pain.
Because this pain is deep. It's raw. It comes in waves. With some waves I can cry briefly, or maybe never shed a tear. Some waves hit me like a tsunami and I am tumbling around reaching for something to find direction. Gasping, trying to find air as to not drown in my despair. The tides will turn and eventually you will see the calm. Never the same, ever changed, new me. New normal.
So thank you Love, for your steady, unwavering love and support. And thank you friends for being ever present in my grief and not being afraid to let me cry. Day by day, I will get to a new normal.
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