Hello grief. The death of a loved one is not a pain I knew intimately before. I have experienced the loss of multiple pregnancies, which was no easy feat. I experienced the loss of a dog I had about 10 years, which was sad when her day came. I had acquaintances pass away, which moved me to tears but it never was a life altering loss. But the loss of my younger brother was by far the most devastating to me.
Weeks before he passed away, I remember that for the first time in my life, the idea crossed my mind..."What if you lose a sibling?" And immediately, I pondered on the thought.
I have never lost a close loved one. How would I act? How would it feel? How would that type of grief really look like? Would I be crushed? Would I be able to lean on God? Would I be angry? I have never lost someone close.
Anxiety is just this: "What If's". We all have anxiety to an extent. And I manage mine pretty well by going through "worst case scenarios" and planning for the worst. But death of a loved one, you just can't plan for. As I asked myself all these questions, I started to sense fear. And I told myself, "It's okay, this must be post-partum anxiety trying to mess with your thoughts. At the time, I had a 3 month old and I figured it's just post-partum anxiety.
Once I labeled it as unfounded anxious thoughts, I began the process of grounding myself and thought catching. Because if I didn't keep those thoughts in check, it would go down a dark path that would lead to a million other "what if's". So I started to call it "This is just anxiety. Everyone is fine. I am blessed to have never lost a sibling. All my siblings are fine. My parents are alive and are likely to precede us in death (because logic right?). People don't often lose their siblings at a young age. Look at those around you, look at your extended family. They live long lives so surely we have a greater chance of getting to see our family grow old.
Never in a million years did I expect that to become a reality and so soon with my younger brother.
All those "what if's" were now a part of my life story and I had no idea how to handle it.
I am so very blessed that within my circle of friends, I do have licensed counselors and some really amazing listeners that keep checking in on me and letting me process and assimilate this tragedy into my narrative. Thank you friends for letting me call and just break down into uncontrollable sobbing.
My husband has by far been the strongest person in my corner.
While having to spend an entire week at the hospital and planning a funeral, my husband was the one by my side. He was with me at the hospital, he picked up tasks at home and managed caring for our children when I was no longer capable of seeing past the fog of grief and confusion and shock. And almost 4 months later, he still catches me staring off into space on a daily basis as I try to avoid another deep crying session while I think about my brother; the childhood memories, the circumstances around his death, the trauma. All the strength he possessed while he tried to process his own grief of losing my brother, his friend, too.
He deals with my anger when the emotions are overwhelming me. Anger when reality sinks in that I won't ever make new memories with him with no explanation as to why. Anger that this is even something I have to deal with and somehow I have to make it through another day with this pain.
Because this pain is deep. It's raw. It comes in waves. With some waves I can cry briefly, or maybe never shed a tear. Some waves hit me like a tsunami and I am tumbling around reaching for something to find direction. Gasping, trying to find air as to not drown in my despair. The tides will turn and eventually you will see the calm. Never the same, ever changed, new me. New normal.
So thank you Love, for your steady, unwavering love and support. And thank you friends for being ever present in my grief and not being afraid to let me cry. Day by day, I will get to a new normal.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Friday, July 6, 2018
Are you prepared?
7 things you should be doing:
There is one thing that is guaranteed in this life: our death. It's the reality that some acknowledge, some prepare for, and some avoid even thinking about. Having experienced the unexpected and unexplained loss of my younger brother, it has put a few things in perspective. And as I slowly process, I feel the need to share a few things that many of us haven't thought of or prepared for.
I worked in group benefits for 8 years before focusing on my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Both careers have in some form helped prepare me or help me to some extent. Those who know me may be reading to learn more about my experience or to see how my family and I are processing and coping, but for now I want to process with what can be helpful to others. The emotions are still a bit too raw, and to sit and write about my brother and our experience requires hours where I can sit and write and have time to cry without a time limit (I have 3 kids under 5 years of age). I will however share the experiences that relate to the things I will post about below.
My brother's death was so unexpected at his age of 31. It was hard, it was heartbreaking and "unfair" but most certainly I felt God's presence and hand in every aspect of it. Without a doubt, his death was eye-opening in various ways. It reaffirmed that our days are not promised. You hear the cliche all the time, I know. But seriously. My brother was fine in the morning and within the hour of kissing his wife goodbye, he was unresponsive (not breathing and no pulse). Doctors were never able to determine what the cause of his death was. Apparently, his death did not peak the interest of the medical examiner to do an autopsy, and our family chose not to pursue a private autopsy to allow for organ donation and closure.
However, I hope to convey a few things I did learn; practical things that we don't think about but should consider:
1. Specify Emergency contacts:
Our cell phones are almost always in our purse, pocket, hand or within reach. Most have a neat emergency feature that allows First Responders to quickly access some basic information. But in order to activate that feature, you will need to fill out your emergency contacts on your cell phone, even if you choose to bypass the other medical information it asks for. For the sake of the people handling communication to those on a "need to know basis", please add your work if you have to report to a boss.
If you have an iPhone, go to your Health app>Medical ID and fill out as much as possible. Your name, your weight and height (and let's be as accurate as possible about our actual weight, if you know what I mean).
Our Experience:
The first call went to my brother's wife but her phone did not register a call or missed call. So the next call went to my father. We aren't sure how the First Responders got my father's contact information other than maybe a shared title/registration for the car he was driving. My brother's phone was left inside his vehicle ( not the standard protocol) which we could not locate said vehicle for a few days. In his condition, my brother never woke up and we had to search for his car, for his phone and any clues to the last hour before his incident. Without his phone, we couldn't notify his work that he was in the ICU with a bad prognosis.
Many of us have our phone's password enabled therefor a First Responder would have a difficult time getting into the phone and knowing who should be contacted first. By enabling the emergency Medical ID feature on the iPhone or similar feature on other phones, you will expedite the process.
2. List your accounts:
Our phones are little miniature computers. Almost everyone has an email connected to their phone and we have text messaging and address books. And most people also require some password authentication before gaining access to their phone. If you are one of those people with a password on your phone, please let someone know what that password is. Many people like their privacy, I get it. But I can't contact people or companies (work, mortgage, etc) that need to be contacted if I can't get into your phone. So, designate an "In case of emergency, look here for accounts and cell password" and tell someone about it.
It will be difficult to get into your phone if nobody knows your password. What's even more difficult is tracking down all the accounts and bills. If you are married and manage the bills, will your spouse know all the information to move forward to pay the bills and notify people of your illness/death? Please note that I DO NOT think it is prudent to have your passwords to all your accounts listed anywhere, much less on a laptop or computer. I am married to an IT guy who is always on guard for potential security threats. What I have done is create a printed list of all the companies that would need to be notified of mine or my husband's death such as Life Insurance, 401K, mortgage, etc. Basically create a list with the important information, such as:
Our experience:
My brother managed all the payments for the household bills. Upon his passing, his wife had to go to their joint bank account and go line by line to determine what looked like a reoccurring bill to determine what company was listed in the description. Then she had to go into the website and essentially use "forgot user name/password" features that would then send a message to his email or his phone to reset the login information. Through this, she was able to obtain the information about the accounts and payment information. Luckily, my brother did not have a password on his phone, so we were able to to get into it (once it was located) and retrieve important information.
So please have a centralized location for the important account information for those who are left behind trying to manage the bills and notify the accounts that need to be closed.
3. Estate Planning/ Will
If you don't have a will, get one. Ideally, it would be best to meet with an attorney to discuss your will but you can write out your will on a napkin or sticky note and some states will recognize it. Ha! But seriously, pay the small amount to have a legal document created. Our attorney was incredibly helpful in helping us walk through the smallest of details and explain the basics and things to avoid from their experience. My husband and I have children that we have to plan "worst case scenario both parents die" to determine who would be guardians to our children and we had to specify who and how to designate money for them. If you have a child under the age of 18, as we do, you may want to consider setting a trust for them in the will. You also want to make sure that your Life Insurance and 401(k) or other investment/savings/retirement funds list the "TRUST named in the will" as either beneficiaries or contingent beneficiaries.
4. Obtain Life & Disability Insurance
I spent eight years working in group benefits telling people to buy life insurance and disability policies offered through their employers and trying to help people prepare for a "worst case scenario". This is a topic that I will expand on more at another time, but for now, please consider buying at least a policy to cover your funeral expenses, which realistically should be $20,000 for a traditional burial. Yes, that's right. If you really want to be proactive, consider purchasing your plot in advance as it is a piece of property that will continue to increase in value on an annual basis. The funeral likely has to be paid for in full prior to the funeral visitation and burial services. That's a hefty sum to pay for in a matter of a couple of days. But funeral homes will work with you to collect their portion from the life insurance.
Our Experience:
My brother was unfortunately a contract worker with no benefits. He did however work in insurance prior to his career in real estate, so he did plan to leave something behind for his beneficiaries. However, he did not have any disability insurance and at the time he was admitted to the hospital, his prognosis was so bad that even if he made it, he would have poor quality of life and likely no ability to work. Had that been the outcome, disability insurance would have helped provide a source of income.
So, please consider pre-paying for your funeral expenses, or at the very minimum, purchasing a small life insurance policy to cover the funeral expense. And, please remember to annualy update your beneficiaries on your life insurance, 401(k), etc. Especially after life events such as death, marriage, divorce, etc. You wouldn't want to leave your inheritance to your estranged ex spouse, right?
5. Discuss your living will and organ donation.
Their were some tough questions we would have to answer that God answered for our family. My brother never really discussed his desires with anyone. So some questions to think about and communicate to others are:
6. Help your family by telling them your burial preference
As I mentioned, EVERYONE is guaranteed to die. Whether you write down your preference or not, PLEASE voice your preferences. I hear so many say "I don't care", but please do everyone a favor and make the decision now. You wouldn't want your siblings and your spouse or children arguing over whether to bury you or cremate you, all because you failed to make their lives less complicated by not having a decision.
Things to consider:
Our Experience: When having to pick all these for my brother, we literally spent 2 days picking out land, coffin, land markers and designing what the headstone would say. Then a few hours were spent finalizing on the third day. There were so many options and so much to think about and get done. He was the first of our side of family to pass away. We are first generation here and much of our ancestors are not buried in the country. Since he was the first, and he died at a young age, we wanted to "plan" a location where the rest of the family would have the option to have our remains laid to rest next to or near his grave. The entire time, we hoped we were honoring him how he wanted to be honored. That we were doing what he would have wished. Hopefully he isn't shakin' his fists at us for burying him instead of cremation.
7. Social Media
Facebook and other social media have the ability to designate a person to memorialize your Facebook page. This helps in case of hacking and also to no longer have that person's name show up as liking companies/organizations in the "advertisement" portion. You have to designate your Legacy person PRIOR to your passing....I admit I have not completed this, but my husband knows my password so he can easily finish this part. ;)
In summary, I know this is such a morbid topic of discussion, yet one that is not only necessary to consider, but also helpful for your family and friends. Every breath is a gift and we are not promised any of our next ones. His young and unexpected death has been the most challenging event I have ever experienced. And I cringe to think that it's not the last loss I will experience. To all the family and friends who have prayed for us, reached out to us, walked through this passion with us...Words will never express how exponentially grateful we are for all of it and for all of you.
Feel free to share any tips you care to add.
Blessings and peace.
There is one thing that is guaranteed in this life: our death. It's the reality that some acknowledge, some prepare for, and some avoid even thinking about. Having experienced the unexpected and unexplained loss of my younger brother, it has put a few things in perspective. And as I slowly process, I feel the need to share a few things that many of us haven't thought of or prepared for.
I worked in group benefits for 8 years before focusing on my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Both careers have in some form helped prepare me or help me to some extent. Those who know me may be reading to learn more about my experience or to see how my family and I are processing and coping, but for now I want to process with what can be helpful to others. The emotions are still a bit too raw, and to sit and write about my brother and our experience requires hours where I can sit and write and have time to cry without a time limit (I have 3 kids under 5 years of age). I will however share the experiences that relate to the things I will post about below.
My brother's death was so unexpected at his age of 31. It was hard, it was heartbreaking and "unfair" but most certainly I felt God's presence and hand in every aspect of it. Without a doubt, his death was eye-opening in various ways. It reaffirmed that our days are not promised. You hear the cliche all the time, I know. But seriously. My brother was fine in the morning and within the hour of kissing his wife goodbye, he was unresponsive (not breathing and no pulse). Doctors were never able to determine what the cause of his death was. Apparently, his death did not peak the interest of the medical examiner to do an autopsy, and our family chose not to pursue a private autopsy to allow for organ donation and closure.
However, I hope to convey a few things I did learn; practical things that we don't think about but should consider:
1. Specify Emergency contacts:
Our cell phones are almost always in our purse, pocket, hand or within reach. Most have a neat emergency feature that allows First Responders to quickly access some basic information. But in order to activate that feature, you will need to fill out your emergency contacts on your cell phone, even if you choose to bypass the other medical information it asks for. For the sake of the people handling communication to those on a "need to know basis", please add your work if you have to report to a boss.
If you have an iPhone, go to your Health app>Medical ID and fill out as much as possible. Your name, your weight and height (and let's be as accurate as possible about our actual weight, if you know what I mean).
Our Experience:
The first call went to my brother's wife but her phone did not register a call or missed call. So the next call went to my father. We aren't sure how the First Responders got my father's contact information other than maybe a shared title/registration for the car he was driving. My brother's phone was left inside his vehicle ( not the standard protocol) which we could not locate said vehicle for a few days. In his condition, my brother never woke up and we had to search for his car, for his phone and any clues to the last hour before his incident. Without his phone, we couldn't notify his work that he was in the ICU with a bad prognosis.
Many of us have our phone's password enabled therefor a First Responder would have a difficult time getting into the phone and knowing who should be contacted first. By enabling the emergency Medical ID feature on the iPhone or similar feature on other phones, you will expedite the process.
2. List your accounts:
Our phones are little miniature computers. Almost everyone has an email connected to their phone and we have text messaging and address books. And most people also require some password authentication before gaining access to their phone. If you are one of those people with a password on your phone, please let someone know what that password is. Many people like their privacy, I get it. But I can't contact people or companies (work, mortgage, etc) that need to be contacted if I can't get into your phone. So, designate an "In case of emergency, look here for accounts and cell password" and tell someone about it.
It will be difficult to get into your phone if nobody knows your password. What's even more difficult is tracking down all the accounts and bills. If you are married and manage the bills, will your spouse know all the information to move forward to pay the bills and notify people of your illness/death? Please note that I DO NOT think it is prudent to have your passwords to all your accounts listed anywhere, much less on a laptop or computer. I am married to an IT guy who is always on guard for potential security threats. What I have done is create a printed list of all the companies that would need to be notified of mine or my husband's death such as Life Insurance, 401K, mortgage, etc. Basically create a list with the important information, such as:
- Company
- Account Number
- Account type (Mortgage, 401K, life insurance, bank account, Cell Phone)
- Website
- Contact Number
Our experience:
My brother managed all the payments for the household bills. Upon his passing, his wife had to go to their joint bank account and go line by line to determine what looked like a reoccurring bill to determine what company was listed in the description. Then she had to go into the website and essentially use "forgot user name/password" features that would then send a message to his email or his phone to reset the login information. Through this, she was able to obtain the information about the accounts and payment information. Luckily, my brother did not have a password on his phone, so we were able to to get into it (once it was located) and retrieve important information.
So please have a centralized location for the important account information for those who are left behind trying to manage the bills and notify the accounts that need to be closed.
3. Estate Planning/ Will
If you don't have a will, get one. Ideally, it would be best to meet with an attorney to discuss your will but you can write out your will on a napkin or sticky note and some states will recognize it. Ha! But seriously, pay the small amount to have a legal document created. Our attorney was incredibly helpful in helping us walk through the smallest of details and explain the basics and things to avoid from their experience. My husband and I have children that we have to plan "worst case scenario both parents die" to determine who would be guardians to our children and we had to specify who and how to designate money for them. If you have a child under the age of 18, as we do, you may want to consider setting a trust for them in the will. You also want to make sure that your Life Insurance and 401(k) or other investment/savings/retirement funds list the "TRUST named in the will" as either beneficiaries or contingent beneficiaries.
4. Obtain Life & Disability Insurance
I spent eight years working in group benefits telling people to buy life insurance and disability policies offered through their employers and trying to help people prepare for a "worst case scenario". This is a topic that I will expand on more at another time, but for now, please consider buying at least a policy to cover your funeral expenses, which realistically should be $20,000 for a traditional burial. Yes, that's right. If you really want to be proactive, consider purchasing your plot in advance as it is a piece of property that will continue to increase in value on an annual basis. The funeral likely has to be paid for in full prior to the funeral visitation and burial services. That's a hefty sum to pay for in a matter of a couple of days. But funeral homes will work with you to collect their portion from the life insurance.
Our Experience:
My brother was unfortunately a contract worker with no benefits. He did however work in insurance prior to his career in real estate, so he did plan to leave something behind for his beneficiaries. However, he did not have any disability insurance and at the time he was admitted to the hospital, his prognosis was so bad that even if he made it, he would have poor quality of life and likely no ability to work. Had that been the outcome, disability insurance would have helped provide a source of income.
So, please consider pre-paying for your funeral expenses, or at the very minimum, purchasing a small life insurance policy to cover the funeral expense. And, please remember to annualy update your beneficiaries on your life insurance, 401(k), etc. Especially after life events such as death, marriage, divorce, etc. You wouldn't want to leave your inheritance to your estranged ex spouse, right?
5. Discuss your living will and organ donation.
Their were some tough questions we would have to answer that God answered for our family. My brother never really discussed his desires with anyone. So some questions to think about and communicate to others are:
- Organ donation. Do you want all your organs donated? How about tissue, muscles, bones, eyes. Bone marrow is a possibility as well as use of your bones. So just something to consider.
- "Pulling the plug". This is a question that some have to reference their faith to make sure they aren't "euthanizing" themselves just because they have limited capacities. I encourage you to check with your local church/pastor to find what you are spiritually comfortable with.
- Who do you want to make these decisions on your behalf, especially if you are not married.
6. Help your family by telling them your burial preference
As I mentioned, EVERYONE is guaranteed to die. Whether you write down your preference or not, PLEASE voice your preferences. I hear so many say "I don't care", but please do everyone a favor and make the decision now. You wouldn't want your siblings and your spouse or children arguing over whether to bury you or cremate you, all because you failed to make their lives less complicated by not having a decision.
Things to consider:
- Burial vs Cremation
- Open Casket vs Closed Casket
- Funeral service only, visitation only, both
- Location of Burial or Resting place for cremations (Columbarium, ocean, etc)
- Upright headstone marker or flat marker for burial
Our Experience: When having to pick all these for my brother, we literally spent 2 days picking out land, coffin, land markers and designing what the headstone would say. Then a few hours were spent finalizing on the third day. There were so many options and so much to think about and get done. He was the first of our side of family to pass away. We are first generation here and much of our ancestors are not buried in the country. Since he was the first, and he died at a young age, we wanted to "plan" a location where the rest of the family would have the option to have our remains laid to rest next to or near his grave. The entire time, we hoped we were honoring him how he wanted to be honored. That we were doing what he would have wished. Hopefully he isn't shakin' his fists at us for burying him instead of cremation.
7. Social Media
Facebook and other social media have the ability to designate a person to memorialize your Facebook page. This helps in case of hacking and also to no longer have that person's name show up as liking companies/organizations in the "advertisement" portion. You have to designate your Legacy person PRIOR to your passing....I admit I have not completed this, but my husband knows my password so he can easily finish this part. ;)
In summary, I know this is such a morbid topic of discussion, yet one that is not only necessary to consider, but also helpful for your family and friends. Every breath is a gift and we are not promised any of our next ones. His young and unexpected death has been the most challenging event I have ever experienced. And I cringe to think that it's not the last loss I will experience. To all the family and friends who have prayed for us, reached out to us, walked through this passion with us...Words will never express how exponentially grateful we are for all of it and for all of you.
Feel free to share any tips you care to add.
Blessings and peace.
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