Where were you, Lord?

I love rainbows. I mean, I. REALLY. LIKE. RAINBOWS.  Nature's TRUE beauty. I love when I get the chance to witness one at the edge of a storm or after the storm's worst has blown over, but the clouds are still a little gray, and you see signs that the sun is trying to shine through.

The other day, I was driving and I SWEAR I was driving at the end of the rainbow. It was something unlike I have ever experienced. It was hard to see the road before me because I kept getting the rainbow shining in my eyes just feet in front of me. Sure! You could say it was the spray from the tires kicking up rain water from the highway, but I have never experienced this in the my 18 years of driving!  And as I made my way out of the rainbow blinding my view, I looked out my right window  and saw dark thunder clouds fading into a light gray sky. It was grey yet sunny all at once and there she was. The mystical Rainbow. Right at the edge where the dark sky faded into light.

You know. The rainbow just like the one mentioned in Genesis 9:13:

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.

So maybe I wasn't worried about a literal flood, but man, in the figurative sense, my soul experienced a flood.  A flood of emotions and sorrow none like I have experienced before.  And I have seen more rainbows this year since my brother passed than I have my whole life.

Many of you know that my Catholic faith, and embracing it in college at the ripe age of 22 has been THE life altering event that has changed my entire soul. My faith changed how I viewed myself, it changed my life aspirations, it helped me see success as more than status and financial wealth. And frankly, the Lord saved my life, in every way possible. 

On my way back to see Eric at the hospital, my husband accidentally changed the radio station and it landed on Catholic Radio. I haven't listened to it in soooo long, and I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize it was airing on our radio, but when something they were speaking about caught my attention, I asked him to turn up the radio. I was hoping for a message. And I know I mentioned before (in a previous post) that I heard the host discussing praying with EXPECTATION for miracles. Believing and EXPECTING that miracle. 

And somewhere along the car ride, maybe the host said it, maybe it was the Holy Spirit inspiring some thought, I know that car ride, I walked away EXPECTING a miracle but also hearing (either literally or as a thought):

 "Will you still pursue Me if I don't grant you this miracle? Will you still love me? Will I still be the One to guide you? Will you abandon me in your hurt?"

I knew right then that even if Eric didn't make it, that the Lord did not reveal Himself to me and change my life so that I would abandon His Truth in the deepest hurts of my life.  Somehow I had to find the strength of mind to "Lean on Him" because I wasn't going to get consolation anywhere else. 

And maybe because I chose to sing "Thy Will be Done" through my soul, even though my mind battled to align itself, I began to see that God's will was being fulfilled even through the pain. 

But throughout the week that Eric passed and weeks following, God inspired my heart and mind with heavenly consolations that reminded me of His goodness. Please allow me to share a few: 

The week prior to Eric passing away, he and Megan (with their newborn) joined me on an errand. And that day it was raining, so we all rushed to get into our cars. Eric had to work so he drove separately from Megan. Eric, being crazy, was out there in his work shirt with NO jacket on. But as Megan was rushing to get into her own car, Eric cried out "I love you Megan." She must have not heard him because he repeated himself, a little more loudly this time, "Megan, I Love You!". 

I remember thinking that day, at that moment: Eric really loves Megan. I have NEVER in all my years of seeing him married, dating, etc, heard him say aloud "I love you". And I felt so happy for him as I drove away thinking about how happy he was.  So thank you Lord, for letting me witness this.

Another consolation has to do with Eric's arrival to the hospital. April 7th.  He arrived to the hospital exactly ONE year after his mother in law was last admitted to the hospital before she passed away. I knew that there couldn't be a coincidence. I was hoping for a miracle for him to wake up and tell me all about heaven, but I also knew that if he were to go to his Eternal Home, that she would be there to greet him and welcome him. I don't see God as a cruel father, so this 'coincidence" was masterfully designed. 

When Eric was pronounced dead a few days later, they did not know when his organ donation would take place. In fact, they said, the OR was so booked, it could be anywhere between 2-3 days. When they finally notified us the day of that they were anticipating his operation time to begin at 5 pm and to arrive early to say goodbye for the last time before he would be rolled away, I had no idea that Fort Worth would be lighting the downtown skyscrapers in Blue and Green in honor of Organ Donation. They were scheduled to light up at 5 PM, coinciding with Eric's donation. Again, to some, it's just coincidence, but to me, it was a good and loving Father giving me another heavenly consolation to rest in that THIS was HIS will. That Eric's life had a purpose and He was present, with us, with Eric in the operation room, in the last moments of his life. 

The day of Eric's funeral, I was so moved by the outpouring of our friends and family and the community around us. Eric's funeral Mass was beautiful. We proceeded into the church as Eric's closest friends pushed the casket draped in a beautiful white Knights of Columbus "flag/cover". The experience of walking under a tunnel of swords held up high by the Knights of Columbus who dressed in their regalia, with feathered hats and soldier like black, red and white suits, was an experience that left me in awe! I thought to myself in those moments as we proceeded to the front altar, this is only a glimpse of the beauty that Eric would be experiencing as he headed towards his final destination: The throne of God. And then I thought to myself, this is SO EXTRA, but Eric would be so darn PROUD! He would be boasting about this to others if he could ( and he probably will when I see him again). 

I searched for God's words and wisdom in music, in movies, in life's little moments. I couldn't figure out why Eric had died, only to be brought back to life after 24 minutes of no oxygen, only to die, yet again. And One day it kinda clicked as I asked my husband to watch 90 Minutes in Heaven (a true story). The Lord spoke to my heart through this movie. His words to me were:

 "Nothing is impossible for Me. If it were My will to restore your brother to full health, I COULD. I could have reversed the effects of the hypoxia, REVERSED the "IRREVERSIBLE" brain damage of having no oxygen for at least 24 minutes. Despite what errors the doctors, paramedics, first responders could have done, I am GREATER and could have healed his body completely.  I have done it before and will do it again, but I have other plans for Eric."  

And that Truth sunk in deep. And that truth brought me peace. Believe it or not. It was the one thing I PERSONALLY needed to know in my soul to accept and move to the next stage of grief.

Weeks after Eric's funeral, we celebrated my niece's first communion. As I sat in the far back of the grand and beautiful church of St. Francis of Assissi (the Saint and prayer on Eric's memorial cards), the priest was asking the many 2nd graders about the mass and communion. For those who aren't Catholic, we believe in transubstantiation: the bread and wine TRULY become the FLESH AND BLOOD of Jesus Christ. We call it "The source and summit of our faith". It may seem mind blowing, because it is! And what about Jesus' miracles isn't, right? 

The ONE thing that really stood out was something the priest asked the children:  What do you hear when you walk up to the altar to receive communion? .......and nobody answered so he gave them the answer: "singing, much like the angels and saints are doing so at this time. 

In the Catholic world, Mass is where Heaven and Earth meet. I encourage you to read about the mystery of the faith! But the beauty of what he said "What do you hear when you walk up to the altar to receive Communion? ...Singing!" ....."What do you Hear when you walk up to the altar to receive JESUS, FLESH AND BLOOD!.....? .....Singing of the saints and angels".  Eric no longer had to receive Jesus in the veil of the Eucharist. He was LITERALLY walking through saints and angels to see JESUS, FACE to FACE! Oh what beauty!! Oh what sweet and divine consolation. I could just envision him proceeding towards the greatest love of his life, his purpose, his EVERYTHING!!


At this moment, I still struggled to accept and understand what happened to Eric and if everything had been done to save his life. Knowing that it took 9 minutes for the paramedics to arrive after he was found without breath and without a heartbeat that likely had stopped beating a couple minutes before, it made me question "WHERE WERE YOU, LORD?". When he was without oxygen for a counted 24 minutes: WHERE WERE YOU LORD?" Did the hospital rush to pronounce him dead, where was my miracle? WHERE WERE YOU LORD?!!

And His response to me was: 

It was I who led him to pull over his car, at that very storage unit. It was I who led a retired police officer/military veteran who had performed CPR on over 20 people in his career  to drive by him and see him minutes before. It was I who gave Eric strength to honk on his horn repeatedly to call someone. It was I who spared you from the guilt and the trauma to see your brother collapse before your very eyes. I who freed you from the guilt that you could have done something, when in reality, it was his time and his purpose was greater than he could accomplish alive and well. It was I who allowed him to receive his Last Rites and be surrounded by his family, friends and a PRIEST in his last minutes on Earth.  It was I  who gave you blessed thoughts of his home arrival! It was I who sent you little rainbows to promise you that the storm will pass and that I have been PRESENT all. along. the. way! 


So thank you Lord for ALWAYS being there. Thank you Lord for your little rainbows you have blessed me with through the storm of my grief. Thank you for answering my prayers and filling my heart with you comforting grace. You see each tear that falls and you know my the pain of my heart. You also bless me joy amidst the sorrow, because ultimately, my heart's desire has always been to LIVE for you and to be a VESSEL of your love and grace, despite my human failings.   

So I end this entry with the chorus to the Raider Awakening song from Eric's retreat when I did P Staff.  I hadn't heard it in years and in the month that Eric passed away, I desperately longed to remember what it was and one day while I poured out tears and my lip quivered uncontrollably from how badly I hurt, I got this little rainbow when my radio went crazy and played this song the minute I turned it on: 


I am nothing without Your love
I'm unworthy but Your death has been enough
I'm completed by Your touch,
But I feel like I've been given so much so I thank You,
I thank You

Having to Say Goodbye to Eric

Devastated. Paralyzed. Blindsided.

These words don't even begin to describe how I have felt since finding out about Eric.

Two weeks prior to Eric's passing, I was taking a shower when I was struck with a thought:

What if one of your siblings were to pass away? How would you handle it? Would you still love God or be mad?

 As a stay-at-home Mom, I don't often get time to think and when I do have time to think, I am too tired and tune out to the good old TV. But I get thinking time when I shower, and this thought really struck me. I thought, MAYBE it's my post partum anxiety. I seem to get super anxious about life and death after all my babies, and I had a 3 month old, so I chalked up the thought to Post Partum anxiety/blues. But not before I got lost in the idea and fear of it.  I remember thinking, what if? Who would likely go? How? How would I react? I have never lost anyone incredibly close so I had been blessed to never experience grief, so would I be in shock, would I CRY?? Would I go into self preservation mode and deal through this crisis like I do with other things: QUICK and CALM and LOGICAL. I then self talked myself out of my anxiety. "It's your WHAT-IF's. It's just anxiety. It's just fear." I looked at all those around me and reasoned "Death of a sibling isn't likely. It's likely to be y our parents first". Maybe this was the Holy Spirit breathing an idea into my mind and heart that would prepare me for days to follow.

It's been six months and I have avoided writing about those days and the grief that followed. Partly because I don't have time to write and process all the feelings when I have three kids under the age of 4, but because I couldn't handle the emotional and mental beating.  So I will attempt to describe what unfolded and how I have processed.

It was April 7th. We had gotten a very late cold front, so it was unusually cold and dreary that spring day. 

The day Eric was found unresponsive, I had just finished texting Megan (Eric's wife) about a design element I was looking at incorporating into my home. Immediately after I texted her, she calls me and says "I guess you didn't know, but they found Eric passed out (or something along these lines) in his car and are taking him to the hospital." I was in shock but immediately I went into panic mode trying to get dressed, telling myself not to freak out because he could be fine, but wrestled with the awful pit in my stomach that wanted to consume my entire system and have me melt down immediately.

I knew I had to go immediately to the hospital, regardless of how big or small the reason for him being found in his car. I gathered the hospital information from Megan as to where we needed to go. He happened to be in the Fort Worth area which is literally an hour away from my home and equally just as far from his home. Megan was at home with their newborn when she received the call. She told me her dad was on his way to pick her up and she would be heading to the hospital immediately upon her father's arrival.

I was at home alone with all three of my kids waiting for Ricky to bring back some lunch. At this point, Ricky was unaware of what happened. I immediately started getting dressed as it w when I received the call while I as around noon, (we drag our feet to get dressed in our home on the weekends). I first made a call to my mother in law to ask if she could rush over because Eric was in the hospital and I had no idea as to his status. I then hung up and called Ricky to rush home from picking up lunch because we had to leave to Fort Worth to see Eric immediately.

Those 20-30 minutes of waiting for my village to arrive were gut wrenching. Nobody had any information as to Eric's condition since we all live on the far North side of the Dallas Metroplex and Eric happened to be going to ONE job for the day somewhere outside of Fort Worth. We later found out he was found at the entrance of a storage unit in Saginaw, TX.

I had the feeling in the pit of my stomach like I have never experienced in my life. I was scared, I was anxious and knew every minute I had to wait would feel like an eternity on top of the drive there. I had to pack a diaper bag for my not yet 4 month old, and packed enough to be there for the entire day. And I began to call my remaining siblings that I knew probably didn't know anything.

God did put all things into motion that day, without a doubt.

That morning hours before the call, Ricky happened to head out the door early to go buy a few things in Dallas to transition our kids into new beds and to finish setting up Isabella's room. And as fate would have it that morning, his car radiator hose broke and he had to pull over about 10 miles from our home. His father was at the lake and his mother was thankfully at home. I kept telling Ricky that I could pick him up with the kids but he insisted in my staying at home and allowing his mother to pick him up since he was down the street from his parents' home.  This is really the first time  his truck had a need for a repair and "broken" to the point that he had to wait for a tow truck to take his car to a mechanic.

 It was a chaotic morning and Ricky literally had time to come home and pick up a very late lunch for us. On his way to pick up lunch is when I received the phone call. I can't dismiss the coincidence of having our plans changed due to the truck breaking down and the "luck" of having at least one of his parents in town. I truly believe that God's hand was in the entire day. Had that not happened, Ricky would have been much farther away and he would have had to spend additional time unloading the truck before being able to take me to the hospital.

They found him passed out.

That's what I remember hearing, though I may have interpreted her words incorrectly. Maybe she said unconscious, I don't know. At this point, I am not sure, but I remember riding in the backseat with my newborn while Ricky drove and talking to Ricky about "finding him passed out is not a good sign. It's got to be serious." And the entire ride I was thinking, "maybe they found a tumor or cancer that finally was interfering with some important functioning, so we would have an uphill battle". That was the "worst case scenario" I was expecting. I was trying to prepare myself for some bad news, but never did I anticipate how the next few hours would unfold.Never did I anticipate that it was worse than my worst case scenario.

Minutes from arriving to the hospital, my older brother, Alvaro, texted the group and said he was the first at the hospital and that they were cleaning up Eric.

 Hearing that just threw my mind into a whirl spin and I asked what he was talking about (because my mind went into panic mode). Clean up? Why would they need to clean up?

And then Alvaro texted the group that they got his heart running again but he was still not awake.

 I felt my world crashing. Never did I expect that his heart had stopped unexpectedly.

When I finally arrived to the emergency room, that's when I was told that Eric had been found "unresponsive" and that it took 24 minutes to get his heart up and running. They weren't sure what was causing it.  We were told that his prognosis was not good and that we needed to prepare for the worst.

Probably the most surreal moments I have experienced. I was definitely in shock and I didn't know how to feel. Alvaro (the realist) tried to encourage me to stay optimistic and I turned around and basically said, I want to be optimistic but I am also being a realist. Surely Eric would wake from this. He had to. He was too young. And God couldn't possibly allow Megan to have heartache so soon after her mother's death. No. Not possible.

Once they transferred him to the Cardio ICU, the neurosurgeon gathered the entire family into a  conference room filled with windows from floor to ceiling and chairs all around the room. He told us (as gently as one can) that basically Eric's brain was so severely damaged from the lack of oxygen for so long that he was certain that he had little brain function left. I believe the term was hypoxia. We wouldn't know the extent of damage or brain function until he woke up. IF he woke up.

The surgeon told us that we needed to think about "what would Eric want?" in terms of life support and organ donation.

Seeing Eric in the hospital bed was hard; tubes coming out of his nose and mouth, all sorts of electrodes attached to his scalp, so many machines at his side, the sound of a ventilator pressing air into his lungs, the soft beeping coming from the machines, all in attempt to provide us with some answers as to what happened, what may happen, and what his body was doing at that very moment.

It was hard to see my little brother in that condition.

I was afraid to leave that hospital and to leave Fort Worth. I was afraid that I would be at least an hour away from getting to his bedside if he didn't make it, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself had I not been close.  When they finally decided to cool his body, they told us we could not interact with Eric or give him any reason to move or wake. They wanted to preserve all his oxygen for the brain and allow the brain to heal without having to work hard to keep the rest of his organs functioning.

We prayed for a miracle, and hoped that God would be gracious enough to grant us the miracle.

I had to return home to get more clothes and pack a bag for my infant, so as they cooled his body, I decided to rush back home and be back within a few hours.

On our drive back,  my husband accidentally turned the radio and it landed on a Catholic radio station. I listened intently and ironically they were talking about MIRACLES. Surely, this message was for me! The host said that we ought to pray for Miracles with EXPECTATION. We expect it...which is more than HOPING, because we BELIEVE it WILL be done. So I tried to apply that to Eric. And I prayed with expectation.

We returned to the hospital and I waited with hope that Eric would  open his eyes once they were done cooling him.

That evening we decided to get a hotel nearby to allow my infant to get rest. We left very late and I finally got to close my eyes around midnight. The minute I closed my eyes, I saw the image of Eric in the hospital room, but not in his current condition, but of him standing and peaking his head from behind the hospital curtain and giving me his playful teasing smile. I immediately opened my eyes and new something was not right. Within a couple of hours, my sister called and sobbed through the words that we needed to rush back to the hospital and that they think Eric was gone but we wouldn't know until they brought him back to normal body temperature.

They almost called code blue. Eric's blood pressure had sky rocketed sometime around 4 am then bottomed out before it somehow regulated itself. But after this, there was no more brain activity being detected on the monitor and we were advised that as soon as he was warmed back to room temperature, he would likely flat-line.

We called all his friends who had just left the hospital, some back to Lubbock (5 hours away) and told them he was probably gone and if they wanted to say goodbye, that this would be the time.

They warmed him, but he never flatline. HOPE right?

Unfortunately, they ran all the tests to determine if brain death had occured. And he failed every test. His heart was in excellent condition (and continues to beat on in someone else through organ donation). But his brain no longer sent the message to his lungs to keep breathing. He no longer had the brain function to support his life and the hospital was required to call Time of Death.

Even with a Time of Death, I still clung to the hope of a miracle. With organ donation, he would be "kept alive" for up to 3 days until they roled him away into the OR. I clung to the very hope that he would wiggle his toe, move his finger, blink an eye, or even better, wake up fully. I didn't need a FULL miracle if even the small one meant that he COULD recover even if 50% to his normal state.

Three days of having to plan a funeral and hope that it was all just "in case" he didn't wake, because God SURELY would perform a miracle. He wouldn't have Eric enter into the hospital exactly 1  year after his mother-in-law for no coincidental reason, right?

Denial. It's a beast.

Friday, we were informed that they finally were able to book an OR for 5 pm that evening. A terrible thunderstorm was expected, with hail and possible tornadoes. We had to drive all the way to Fort Worth and avoid traffic on a Friday afternoon in downtown Fort Worth and hopefully make it before a terrible storm. We saw the flag flown at the hospital in honor of Eric's donation, but still I prayed that he would come to right before the final moment.

As we drove into the hospital, my sister and I, I went into a full panic attack and broke down crying. This COULD NOT be the last time I would see Eric. This could not be Goodbye. It just couldn't be.
All those days of even a little bit of hope came crumbling down and I have never felt so awful in my life. My heart was racing, my stomach in knots, I felt like throwing up, I wanted to collapse on the floor and poor out every ounce of water in my being through tears like the Niagra Falls.


I was so tired of crying. So tired of hoping. So tired of waiting for a Miracle but for it to not come: or come how I envisioned. I had to accept God's will as painful as it was. I had to say goodbye to all the time I thought we would have,  all the memories I thought we would make having our baby girls only a few months apart, and goodbye to an idea I had envisioned.

But I knew that he was still a miracle to someone else and that another family would not have to feel our pain because Eric was their miracle. His death now had more meaning to it and the cause of our grief would at least bring someone else joy and LIFE.

As they rolled Eric away through the long hall that I had walked through for days, we followed behind until they told us we could no longer follow. We saw him rolled away, but I felt proud that he was giving others another chance at life. But I was so heartbroken and in shock that this was it. This was goodbye. I would never again hear him laugh. I would never again get to get on his nerve for being a big sister and telling him to put his damn phone down or to quit being lazy. I wouldn't get to talk to him and guide him on how to handle his anger or sadness with life's obstacles. We wouldn't get to brainstorm on our crazy ideas.  I would no longer get to shed tears of joy for all his life's accomplishments.

My role as big sister changed that day.

Losing Eric was like a HUGE part of me also dying. The part of me that only Eric could bring out. I am not me without Eric having a vital role. Sure, I was his sister, but we were friends and many times through our life, we depended on each other. I have a LIFETIME of memories that involve him, good and bad and some really funny. From childhood playmates, to rivaling siblings, to us figuring out our purpose in life: To Love and Serve the Lord and to lead others to Christ. And to both loving the Catholic church together and sharing so many friends through our time through college together.

I am beyond proud of his legacy...and love that he was so loved despite his "boastful" ways. Because behind some of those boasts, he really was a humble person who loved deeply and wanted for people to know and love God above all else (Even more than a possible Cowboys winning season).

May you be dancing with Michael Jackson before the heavenly King. May your light and legacy shine on

Why You Should Have Life Insurance Part 1

In my former years, prior to becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, I had the privilege of working at a broker's office doing as an Account Manager for Group Insurance.  I learned so much about insurance and company benefits, that I at least have more than the average knowledge and experience.

My young brother's unexpected  death was so sobering.  It made me take a close look at what my insurance coverage was and made me evaluate if what I had in force still fit my family's needs. Many friends and family openly confessed that it made them think twice about getting their estate planning (or lack there of) in order.It's often in the back of our minds for things "I should be getting done" but because it's such a morbid topic, we often push it to the bottom of the priority list. When it really isn't that bad to tackle and then once it's done, you don't have to think of it again (until your wishes change).

Along the way, I learned a few things that I wanted to share so that you could look into and make sure you are taking full advantage the resources available to you, through your place of employment but also recommend resources outside of work. This post will focus on life insurance and why you should make sure you have ENOUGH coverage. I won't get to much into the many MANY options available, because it even makes my head hurt and I have been trained in it.

Why you should have insurance:

We often don't think about the consequences of our financial choices in terms of what happens post death.  These are a few reasons to make sure you have life insurance in place, even if just enough to cover funeral expenses

1.  To cover or reimburse for funeral expenses. (think around $20,000 now and add some for inflation). This is probably up on the top of my list because otherwise someone else is responsible for your funeral expense. But hey! Social Security is kind enough to give your family $200 towards funeral expenses. Ha!
2. To pay off debts, especially those you have co-signed with someone such as credit cards, personal loans, student loans, car loans and rent/mortgages, just to name a few.
3. To cover loss of income for surviving spouse or someone dependent on your income. What was a dual source of income has now been reduced to one. It could jeopardize the standard of living for the surviving spouse.  They may no longer afford the bills to live in the home or even afford the car or child care expenses.
4. If  you are a parent, money to provide for surviving children and all their expenses, especially childcare, college and medical expenses.  
5. If you are a Stay at Home parent, you may not make an income but you do have a monetary value in terms of the "service and duties" that you provide being at home with the kids. Think of hours of childcare, of people needing to watch the kids after school, driving kids around to sports and appointments, making food for the kids, Etc. 
6. To Leave an inheritance

Below are a few ways you can obtain Life Insurance polices:

Benefits through your employer:

Basic Life Insurance
Many employers offer "Basic Life Insurance" to their full time employees. This is where the Employer provides the Employee with a specific amount of insurance. The amount varies based on each Employer's preference.

It could be a flat amount, such as $25,000, $50,000, $100,000, etc.  If it's not a flat amount, it may be an increment of your salary (1x Salary, 2x Salary).  For example, if you make $75,000 per year, you may have a life insurance policy of  $75,000 if it's 1 x Salary or $150,000 if it's 2 x Salary. When you get a raise, that amount increases as well.

The employer pays for the premium for Basic Life, and your beneficiaries (People you list to receive the benefit upon your death) receive the amount upon your death.

Voluntary Life Insurance and AD&D (Accidental Death and Dismemberment)
 
Some employers offer a group Voluntary (Optional) Life Insurance policy that you choose to pay for with your job earnings. This is usually the cheapest option of life insurance available for purchase.  You select the amount above the minimum required, which is usually around $20,000, and you calculate your rate by multiplying your age, the age banded rate and the amount you want to purchase. Keep in mind, Every 5 years, the rate increases on the life policy through your work. So although it begins by being cheaper initially, it can get pricey as you age. This is a great plan for people who don't qualify for insurance elsewhere but it may be overall least costly to purchase a life insurance policy directly through an agent!  Group life insurance policies typically have a "True Open Enrollment" where you can enroll, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, up to a certain amount! But it's only good for the first time you are offered. 

If you decline/ opt out of the group life insurance plan and then try to enroll in Voluntary Life Insurance at a later date during Open Enrollment, you will have to fill out a medical questionnaire for ANY amount and be approved by underwriting.  So take advantage of the maximum "Guaranteed Issue" amount while you shop for other insurance plans to qualify for! You can always reduce it or cancel it at any time.

The disadvantage to Group Life Insurance option is that the moment you leave your Employer, you will either have to convert it and pay a more expensive rate or drop the coverage, and then have to apply for insurance when you may not be the ideal age or health condition. For this reason alone, I would recommend looking for a policy outside of work as YOUNG as possible.  You can have multiple insurance polices.

Another disadvantage of Group Life insurance is that by the time you reach 65 years of age, your death benefit actually begins to reduce by about 33%. That means your $75,000 benefit just got a 33% pay cut!

As long as you pay for Group Life insurance, you have coverage. There really isn't a time limit to it. So it has the illusion of permanent coverage...but it's gone as soon as you stop paying and it gets significantly more pricey as you age. 

For these reasons, your employer's Basic Life and Voluntary plan should be considered supplemental insurance, unless you have a hard time qualifying for insurance on your own.

Individual Life Insurance Policy

Consider an independent insurance plan as your main coverage not associated with your work.
You can go directly to the insurance providers that market online and on commercials such as MetLife, Principal, State Farm, Allstate, just to name a VERY few.

Another option would be to go through a broker. You don't pay extra for a broker, they do all the shopping around for you, find you the best rate, can help you fill out the forms and can help you determine what they think is best for you and your needs. A simple "Life Insurance broker" Google/Yahoo search will do to help locate one in your area. If you personally know me, I will gladly recommend the person I used. I have nothing to gain other than helping you achieve peace of mind.

The rate stays the same
Remember how in Group Life insurance through work, your rate goes up every three years, on an individual plan, you have the ability to purchase a plan that won't ever increase in price.

I was able to purchase a policy based on my age and I will pay that rate throughout the duration of my policy which is for 20 years. I did not opt for a longer time because this policy is just in force to cover my family until my kids are done with college. That is the strategy I have chosen for the time being....

Get it as YOUNG as possible!
I regret not having done this earlier.  Had I purchased a plan when I was 24 and first out in the working world, I would probably be paying a portion of what I pay now. Unfortunately, I think I relied too much on living longer than I may be blessed with and having this as "back up" and only choosing Life Insurance through work. So get your insurance policy as young as possible so to take advantage of the best rates at your "optimal" health before your age increases your rate.

 I left corporate world by the time I turned 30 and have been predominantly a Stay at Home mom and working on building my business as a Licensed Professional Counselor. I originally piggy backed on my husband's work Life Insurance policy at first but with the birth of my 3rd child and the unexpected and young loss of my younger brother at the same time, it made me reevaluate my approach, my plan, and the future of my family should I be taken to see Jesus sooner than expected.

Medical Questionnaire / Medical Exams
These plans will likely require that you fill out medical questionnaire and some carriers will require that you submit to a medical examination (usually they come to you).  If you are afraid you won't qualify, try anyway and let the carriers tell you wether or not you qualified. You may be surprised to see that you qualify, albeit at a higher cost. 


There really is no right or wrong way to plan. Just kidding. There is a wrong way. The only wrong way to plan is NOT having ANY plan in place.  My brother didn't have enough years with his family, and I should pray that I am blessed enough to have the opportunity to be there emotionally, spiritually and financially for my family long enough to see grandkids. But this life, each breath, each moment is only a gift. My life is not my own and I can only hope to leave a positive impact on those around me and at least lessen the financial burden to my loved ones when I do return to my true Home.


In Part 2, I will address if you have enough insurance and how to see if you can have a free will done.

Hello grief. I know you intimately.

Hello grief. The death of a loved one is not a pain I knew intimately before. I have experienced the loss of multiple pregnancies, which was no easy feat. I experienced the loss of a dog I had about 10 years, which was sad when her day came. I had acquaintances pass away, which moved me to tears but it never was a life altering loss. But the loss of my younger brother was by far the most devastating to me.

Weeks before he passed away, I remember that for the first time in my life, the idea crossed my mind..."What if you lose a sibling?" And immediately, I pondered on the thought.

I have never lost a close loved one. How would I act? How would it feel? How would that type of grief really look like? Would I be crushed? Would I be able to lean on God? Would I be angry?  I have never lost someone close.

Anxiety is just this: "What If's".  We all have anxiety to an extent. And I manage mine pretty well by going through "worst case scenarios" and planning for the worst. But death of a loved one, you just can't plan for. As I asked myself all these questions, I started to sense fear. And I told myself, "It's okay, this must be post-partum anxiety trying to mess with your thoughts.  At the time, I had a 3 month old and I figured it's just post-partum anxiety.

Once I labeled it as unfounded anxious thoughts, I began the process of grounding myself and thought catching. Because if I didn't keep those thoughts in check, it would go down a dark path that would lead to a million other "what if's". So I started to call it "This is just anxiety. Everyone is fine. I am blessed to have never lost a sibling. All my siblings are fine. My parents are alive and are likely to precede us in death (because logic right?). People don't often lose their siblings at a young age. Look at those around you, look at your extended family. They live long lives so surely we have a greater chance of getting to see our family grow old.

Never in a million years did I expect that to become a reality and so soon with my younger brother.

All those "what if's" were now a part of my life story and I had no idea how to handle it.

I am so very blessed that within my circle of friends, I do have licensed counselors and some really amazing listeners that keep checking in on me and letting me process and assimilate this tragedy into my narrative.  Thank you friends for letting me call and just break down into uncontrollable sobbing.

My husband has by far been the strongest person in my corner.

While having to spend an entire week at the hospital and planning a funeral, my husband was the one  by my side. He was with me at the hospital, he picked up tasks at home and managed caring for our children when I was no longer capable of seeing past the fog of grief and confusion and shock. And almost 4 months later, he still catches me staring off into space on a daily basis as I try to avoid another deep crying session while I think about my brother; the childhood memories, the circumstances around his death, the trauma.  All the strength he possessed while he tried to process his own grief of losing my brother, his friend, too. 

He deals with my anger when the emotions are overwhelming me.  Anger when reality sinks in that I won't ever make new memories with him with no explanation as to why. Anger that this is even something I have to deal with and somehow I have to make it through another day with this pain.

Because this pain is deep. It's raw. It comes in waves. With some waves I can cry briefly, or maybe never shed a tear. Some waves hit me like a tsunami and I am tumbling around reaching for something to find direction. Gasping, trying to find air as to not drown in my despair.  The tides will turn and eventually you will see the calm. Never the same, ever changed, new me. New normal.

So thank you Love, for your steady, unwavering love and support. And thank you friends for being ever present in my grief and not being afraid to let me cry. Day by day, I will get to a new normal.

Are you prepared?

7 things you should be doing:

There is one thing that is guaranteed in this life: our death. It's the reality that some acknowledge, some prepare for, and some avoid even thinking about. Having experienced the unexpected and unexplained loss of my younger brother, it has put a few things in perspective. And as I slowly process, I feel the need to share a few things that many of us haven't thought of or prepared for.

I worked in group benefits for 8 years before focusing on my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor.  Both careers have in some form helped prepare me or help me to some extent. Those who know me may be reading to learn more about my experience or to see how my family and I are processing and coping, but for now I want to process with what can be helpful to others.  The emotions are still a bit too raw, and to sit and write about my brother and our experience requires hours where I can sit and write and have time to cry without a time limit (I have 3 kids under 5 years of age). I will however share the experiences that relate to the things I will post about below.

My brother's death was so unexpected at his age of 31. It was hard, it was heartbreaking and "unfair" but most certainly I felt God's presence and hand in every aspect of it. Without a doubt, his death was eye-opening in various ways. It reaffirmed that our days are not promised. You hear the cliche all the time, I know. But seriously. My brother was fine in the morning and within the hour of kissing his wife goodbye, he was unresponsive (not breathing and no pulse). Doctors were never able to determine what the cause of his death was. Apparently, his death did not peak the interest of the medical examiner to do an autopsy, and our family chose not to pursue a private autopsy to allow for organ donation and closure.

However, I hope to convey a few things I did learn; practical things that we don't think about but should consider:

1. Specify Emergency contacts: 
Our cell phones are almost always in our purse, pocket, hand or within reach. Most have a neat emergency feature that allows First Responders to quickly access some basic information. But in order to activate that feature, you will need to fill out your emergency contacts on your cell phone, even if you choose to bypass the other medical information it asks for. For the sake of the people handling communication to those on a "need to know basis", please add your work if you have to report to a boss.

If you have an iPhone, go to your Health app>Medical ID and fill out as much as possible. Your name, your weight and height (and let's be as accurate as possible about our actual weight, if you know what I mean).

Our Experience:
The first call went to my brother's wife but her phone did not register a call or missed call. So the next call went to my father. We aren't sure how the First Responders got my father's contact information other than maybe a shared title/registration for the car he was driving. My brother's phone was left inside his vehicle ( not the standard protocol) which we could not locate said vehicle for a few days. In his condition, my brother never woke up and we had to search for his car, for his phone and any clues to the last hour before his incident. Without his phone, we couldn't notify his work that he was in the ICU with a bad prognosis. 

Many of us have our phone's password enabled therefor a First Responder would have a difficult time getting into the phone and knowing who should be contacted first.  By enabling the emergency Medical ID feature on the iPhone or similar feature on other phones, you will expedite the process.

2. List your accounts: 
Our phones are little miniature computers. Almost everyone has an email connected to their phone and we have text messaging and address books. And most people also require some password authentication before gaining access to their phone. If you are one of those people with a password on your phone, please let someone know what that password is. Many people like their privacy, I get it. But I can't contact people or companies (work, mortgage, etc) that need to be contacted if I can't get into your phone. So, designate an "In case of emergency, look here for accounts and cell password" and tell someone about it. 

It will be difficult to get into your phone if nobody knows your password. What's even more difficult is tracking down all the accounts and bills.  If you are married and manage the bills, will your spouse know all the information to move forward to pay the bills and notify people of your illness/death? Please note that I DO NOT think it is prudent to have your passwords to all your accounts listed anywhere, much less on a laptop or computer. I am married to an IT guy who is always on guard for potential security threats.  What I have done is create a printed list of all the companies that would need to be notified of mine or my husband's death such as Life Insurance, 401K, mortgage, etc.  Basically create a list with the important information, such as:

• Company
• Account Number
• Account type (Mortgage, 401K, life insurance, bank account, Cell Phone)
• Website 
• Contact Number

 Notice I didn't include passwords? DO NOT list your passwords to those accounts. PLEASE DON'T. You don't want Uncle Joe or creepy cyber hacker wiping your account clean. You following me?

Our experience:
My brother managed all the payments for the household bills. Upon his passing, his wife had to go to their joint bank account and go line by line to determine what looked like a reoccurring bill to determine what company was listed in the description. Then she had to go into the website and essentially use "forgot user name/password" features that would then send a message to his email or his phone to reset the login information. Through this, she was able to obtain the information about the accounts and payment information. Luckily, my brother did not have a password on his phone, so we were able to to get into it (once it was located) and retrieve important information.

So please have a centralized location for the important account information for those who are left behind trying to manage the bills and notify the accounts that need to be closed.

3. Estate Planning/ Will
If you don't have a will, get one. Ideally, it would be best to meet with an attorney to discuss your will but you can write out your will on a napkin or sticky note and some states will recognize it. Ha! But seriously, pay the small amount to have a legal document created. Our attorney was incredibly helpful in helping us walk through the smallest of details and explain the basics and things to avoid from their experience.  My husband and I have children that we have to plan "worst case scenario both parents die" to determine who would be guardians to our children and we had to specify who and how to designate money for them.  If you have a child under the age of 18, as we do, you may want to consider setting a trust for them in the will. You also want to make sure that your Life Insurance and 401(k) or other investment/savings/retirement funds list the  "TRUST named in the will" as either beneficiaries or contingent beneficiaries.

4. Obtain Life & Disability Insurance 
I spent eight years working in group benefits telling people to buy life insurance and disability policies offered through their employers and trying to help people prepare for a  "worst case scenario".  This is a topic that I will expand on more at another time, but for now, please consider buying at least a policy to cover your funeral expenses, which realistically should be $20,000 for a traditional burial. Yes, that's right. If you really want to be proactive, consider purchasing your plot in advance as it is a piece of property that will continue to increase in value on an annual basis. The funeral likely has to be paid for in full prior to the funeral visitation and burial services. That's a hefty sum to pay for in a matter of a couple of days. But funeral homes will work with you to collect their portion from the life insurance.

Our Experience:
My brother was unfortunately a contract worker with no benefits. He did however work in insurance prior to his career in real estate, so he did plan to leave something behind for his beneficiaries. However, he did not have any disability insurance and at the time he was admitted to the hospital, his prognosis was so bad that even if he made it, he would have poor quality of life and likely no ability to work.  Had that been the outcome, disability insurance would have helped provide a source of income. 

So, please consider pre-paying for your funeral expenses, or at the very minimum, purchasing a small life insurance policy to cover the funeral expense. And, please remember to annualy update your beneficiaries on your life insurance, 401(k), etc. Especially after life events such as death, marriage, divorce, etc. You wouldn't want to leave your inheritance to your estranged ex spouse, right? 


5. Discuss your living will and organ donation.
Their were some tough questions we would have to answer that God answered for our family. My brother never really discussed his desires with anyone. So some questions to think about and communicate to others are:

• Organ donation.  Do you want all your organs donated?  How about tissue, muscles, bones, eyes. Bone marrow is a possibility as well as use of your bones. So just something to consider. 
• "Pulling the plug". This is a question that some have to reference their faith to make sure they aren't "euthanizing" themselves just because they have limited capacities.  I encourage you to check with your local church/pastor to find what you are spiritually comfortable with.
• Who do you want to make these decisions on your behalf, especially if you are not married.  

You may chose to have the answers to the above question written down and filed away,  but  tell people what your preferences are. When people are in the hospital and decisions have to be made fairly quickly, or if tragedy strikes when you are traveling, people aren't going to think about or remember to run to your house to search for and figure it out. They will want to be at your bedside at all times. So tell the important people what you would choose.

6. Help your family by telling them your burial preference 
As I mentioned, EVERYONE is guaranteed to die. Whether you write down your preference or not, PLEASE voice your preferences.  I hear so many say "I don't care", but please do everyone a favor and make the decision now. You wouldn't want your siblings and your spouse or children arguing over whether to bury you or cremate you, all because you failed to make their lives less complicated by not having a decision.

Things to consider:

• Burial vs Cremation
• Open Casket vs Closed Casket
• Funeral service only, visitation only, both
• Location of Burial or Resting place for cremations (Columbarium, ocean, etc)
• Upright headstone marker or flat marker for burial

Our Experience: When having to pick all these for my brother, we literally spent 2 days picking out land, coffin, land markers and designing what the headstone would say. Then a few hours were spent finalizing on the third day. There were so many options and so much to think about and get done. He was the first of our side of family to pass away.  We are first generation here and much of our ancestors are not buried in the country. Since he was the first, and he died at a young age, we wanted to "plan" a location where the rest of the family would have the option to have our remains laid to rest next to or near his grave. The entire time, we hoped we were honoring him how he wanted to be honored. That we were doing what he would have wished.  Hopefully he isn't shakin' his fists at us for burying him instead of cremation.


7. Social Media
Facebook and other social media have the ability to designate a person to memorialize your Facebook page. This helps in case of hacking and also to no longer have that person's name show up as liking companies/organizations in the "advertisement" portion.  You have to designate your Legacy person PRIOR to your passing....I admit I have not completed this, but my husband knows my password so he can easily finish this part. ;)


In summary, I know this is such a morbid topic of discussion, yet one that is not only necessary to consider, but also helpful for your family and friends. Every breath is a gift and we are not promised any of our next ones.  His young and unexpected death has been the most challenging event I have ever experienced. And I cringe to think that it's not the last loss I will experience. To all the family and friends who have prayed for us, reached out to us, walked through this passion with us...Words will never express how exponentially grateful we are for all of it and for all of you.

Feel free to share any tips you care to add. 

Blessings and peace.